If we were to state a simple fact, it would be this: everyone faces conflict in life and relationships.
It might be at the office.
It could be at school.
It could be in the home.
The only way to escape it would be to never leave home again and never have any sort of human interaction. It would be a pretty lonely existence.
Fights at work and school can be deterred by avoiding those who might cause confrontation. This strategy does not work on the home front. It would not be in the best interest of a marriage, or rather maintaining a happy, healthy marriage, if partners were avoiding each other. To this end sometimes to end fighting and save a marriage couples will go see a marriage counselor.
Marriage Counselors Undergo Specific Training
Marriage counselors are certified professionals who have completed the appropriate courses which are specifically designed to help them sort through the underlying problems often found in marriages.
They often begin by asking the couple a series of questions to determine what the conflict actually is.
It is surprising how many fights have underlying issues that have nothing to do with the actual arguments.
A simple fact many marriage counselors try to emphasize is that people grow and change. A marriage is not what you would call a stagnant body of water, it changes and evolves. It constantly ebbs and flows according to the environment and the people around and associated with the marriage.
Job changes, illness and finances can all cause major strains on a couple’s relationship. Too often a husband or wife finds they are unhappy with a situation and the communication in the marriage starts to break down.
It is the marriage counselors who try to find a happy resolve that works beneficially for both people.
Marriage Counselors Never Take Sides
Perhaps thinking of a life long commitment intimidates some people. They cannot imagine being with that same person forever. Marriage counselors often separate the couple to talk with each of them privately so that there can be a deeper probing into how each person operates. It is very important to be honest and open or the therapy does not have much of a chance in working.
Sometimes the idea of bringing up private issues with a stranger can be a bit intimidating. Most individuals actually find it very easy when they actually meet with marriage counselors.
Television shows us sitcoms where the wife is the one always wanting to go to marriage counseling. She is portrayed as the serious one whereas the husband is the comedienne. He thinks that marriage counselors always take the woman’s side in the argument or that they will judge him harshly. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Professional marriage counselors do not take sides.
He or she is there to mediate between two people who are not seeing eye to eye. There is not clear cut winner or loser. It is just two people who are having difficulties and want to try to make things work out.
Twitter: stayharp
says:
LOL… well, I’m a marriage counselor and have been for over a decade, and it’s my experience that the marriage counselor can only do so much – you need a client who wants to work. The training a counselor goes through is a joke, not necessary and actually pretty irrelevant. Most of the therapists I know DO take sides – so your point about them not taking sides is wrong. No one can remain neutral, and I don’t care who it is. And research shows that a mentor is way better than a professional marriage counselor in getting help.
Probably not what you wanted to hear from an actual marriage and family therapist, but it’s the truth. My twitter is actually @stacyharp not stayharp
Stacy Harp recently posted..3 Lessons We Can Learn from Celebrity Rehab
Hi Stacy these are the exact comments I am looking for about Marriage counselors, so what you are saying here and being one yourself is marriage counselors are not effective and if possible you should find a mentor to try and get your marriage back on track.
I would have to agree with you totally when you say a marriage counselor can only do so much, as you said the clients need to want to work it all out or there will never be a solution or any kind of reconciliation found between the couple.
Stacy this is exactly what my readers want to hear, open and honest comments.
Twitter: stayharp
says:
Also your point about the therapist separating the couple is also not accurate. A good therapist doesn’t have to do that and that is only necessary if the couple is volatile.
Stacy Harp recently posted..3 Lessons We Can Learn from Celebrity Rehab
Hi again Stacy,
Again thanks for your thoughts and views on this, my experience in speaking with couples was that they were taken aside and spoken to separately (maybe there was hostility) but as you have said there is no real training for a marriage counselor, maybe this is just left up to the therapist to decide whether it is necessary or not.
And being a therapist yourself you would know better than me. Again thanks for your valuable input.
I was also very impressed with your article on Immoral Reasoning.
Twitter: stayharp
says:
Hi Cathy,
Thank you for your comments, I am actually surprised that they were allowed….but I do know what I’m talking about, and I think that going through school is important for certain things, but honestly, most psychology programs don’t train you for what you see in the office. That’s why the internship is so long, and even there, you only learn as much as you can from your supervisor and others and most supervisors aren’t interested in truly helping. I would add that understanding family systems is something that a therapist is trained in, and that is helpful, but when it comes to counseling couples, the research shows that having another couple mentor you, who has already made it through a similar situation, is the best “therapy”. Glad you liked my other article.
Stacy Harp recently posted..3 Lessons We Can Learn from Celebrity Rehab
Hi Stacy
All comments are allowed as long as they add value and are beneficial to my readers, I believe that your comments were very beneficial that is why I allowed them. If we can not be open and honest when writing then we should not be creating websites.
People need ways to find the truth and if I censored comments such as yours the truth would never get out there.